You can’t control everything, but you can control this

It’s been a long string of hot days here in Minnesota. We aren’t known for our heat here in the Great North, so 2-3 weeks of 85+ degree days is pretty amazing (and it makes “July babies” like me very happy)!

This summer, I’ve been doing quite a bit of teaching and coaching on emotional intelligence. One of my most popular talks is called “Emotional Regulation; Keeping Your Cool When Emotions Get Hot”.

Maybe it’s the temperature outside, but the rising mercury made me think of rising emotions.

What do we do with our “hot” emotions - those big emotions that overtake us?

First, a quick summary of emotional intelligence - there are four main components:

• Self-awareness (being aware of what you are feeling)

• Self-management (managing/regulating your emotions)

• Social awareness (being aware or empathetic of others’ feelings)

• Relationship management (how you interact with others and build relationships)

So what happens when you are “self-aware” of your feelings, but you are really struggling to manage or regulate them?

There’s a lot to talk about on this topic, but a foundational component is: you control your thoughts.

And since your feelings flow from your thoughts, that means you control your feelings, too.

Sometimes this feels darn near impossible, but it’s almost always true.

No one “makes” you feel anything. Nothing “makes” you react a certain way.

You are choosing to think thoughts that create feelings. You can choose thoughts that lead to healthy, productive feelings, or you can choose thoughts that feel some degree of awful.

We are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions - even when it’s tough. Even when it feels like they come automatically. There is always a moment to choose, to regulate, to control what you can control - your thoughts.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl

No matter what “they” say. No matter what “they” do. You get to choose what you think about the circumstance and, ultimately, how you respond..

You can choose thoughts that bring you confidence, calm, and peace, or you can choose thoughts that lead to feelings of resentment, rejection, and frustration.

Tremendously empowering feelings can come with the recognition that no one and nothing can “make” you feel a certain way, but it also brings responsibility - responsibility to control your thoughts, the feelings that flow from those thoughts, and the actions you take.

You can no longer play the victim, and that’s incredibly freeing!

So when your emotions start to run hot (this summer or any time), take a moment, get curious about what you are thinking and how that’s pouring fuel on your emotional fire, and choose to see what’s happening through a lens that leaves you feeling stronger, more confident, more calm, and more aligned with who you want to be and how you want to show up.

It’s not easy, but it’s truly life-changing!

You’ve got this!