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Not Every Deer Is a Danger: A Lesson in Self-Awareness

change fear habit stress

This morning, I was enjoying a quiet morning at home, sipping coffee, basking in the silence and stillness.

My husband and two of our kids are already at the cabin, because that’s what Minnesotans do when the calendar says “July 4” and the mosquitoes say “party time.”

My other daughter spent the night at a friend’s house, so it was just me, a cup of coffee, and a lavender-lemon sourdough scone that I picked up last night at the farmer’s market (I mean, seriously, how could I resist that?).

Suddenly, I hear intense barking from the backyard - like, jolt you from your seat and make you spill your coffee barking.

Sadie, our sweet rescue dog, was in full-on alert mode - barking, tense, eyes locked. Her nemesis? A deer.

To be fair, it was a very bold deer. It trotted confidently through our backyard, then lingered in the woods just long enough to make its presence known (here’s a picture I snapped). Sadie, thankfully tethered, let out a stream of protective barking. From her perspective, this intruder was a threat - something to be feared, chased off, or at least warned.

But from my vantage point? It was just a deer. Not dangerous. Not threatening. Not worth all the energy and adrenaline.

And it got me thinking:

How often do we, like Sadie, react intensely to things that aren’t actually threats - at least not in the way we think?

What Are You Barking At?

In our lives and work (especially in the legal world), we’re trained to stay alert, to anticipate problems, prepare for the worst, and think defensively. But that high-alert mindset can backfire when our brains mistake everyday stressors for true danger.

This is where brain science comes in.

When the Brain Gets Hijacked

When we perceive a threat, even a subtle one (like a tone in an email or a sudden shift in body language), our amygdala - the brain’s alarm system - kicks in. It’s lightning-fast and designed to protect us.

The problem?

The amygdala doesn’t always distinguish between a real threat (like a bear) and a perceived one (like a colleague who disagrees with us). When it sounds the alarm, our prefrontal cortex - the part of our brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and wise decision-making - goes temporarily offline.

This “amygdala hijack” leads to reactive behavior, emotional flooding, and sometimes regret.

Sadie wasn’t thinking clearly this morning. But let’s be honest, sometimes we’re not either.

The STEAR Model: A Way to Pause and Reframe

Here’s the EsquireWell Cognitive Clarity Model I use in my teaching and coaching (and in my own life) to help lawyers and legal professionals manage reactivity and regain perspective:

Sadie's Deer Encounter: A STEAR Breakdown

S – Situation:

A deer walked through the backyard and lingered near the woods.

T – Thoughts:

"This is a threat! I need to protect my people!"

E – Emotions:

Alertness, fear, protectiveness, adrenaline

A – Actions:

Intense barking, pacing, pulling on the tether

R – Results:

Sadie gets worked up, the deer keeps eating grass, and no real danger occurs — but stress levels rise for everyone.

A Professional Parallel: The Vague Email

S – Situation:

You receive a short, ambiguous email from a partner: “Let’s talk about your draft when you have a minute.”

T – Thoughts:

“They must be unhappy with my work. I’ve probably messed something up.”

E – Emotions:

Anxiety, embarrassment, dread

A – Actions:

You avoid responding right away, ruminate about worst-case scenarios, or go into the meeting feeling defensive.

R – Results:

The meeting feels tense. You don’t show up at your best. It turns out the feedback was minor, but you’ve already spent hours in stress mode.

How to Shift Your Response (Not Just React)

Here are a few practical strategies to help you move from reaction to reflection:

Name the situation clearly. Separate fact from interpretation. (“She asked a question.” ≠ “She thinks I’m incompetent.”)

Notice your thoughts. Is this thought helpful? Accurate? The only possible interpretation?

Check in with your emotions. What am I feeling and what triggered it?

Pause before acting. Even a short pause helps your prefrontal cortex come back online.

Choose intentional action. Respond in a way that aligns with your goals, values, and desired outcome.

Reflect on the results you created. Did your response lead to clarity or more chaos?

Quick Summary

Not everything that triggers us is truly dangerous.
Your brain wants to protect you, but sometimes it overreacts. You get to choose an intentional thought that leads to a healthier, more productive response.
Self-awareness is the first step toward choice.
Thought → Emotion → Action → Result: You can influence every step.

We all have our “deer moments” when we react out of instinct, not insight. The power comes in pausing, getting curious, and asking some of my favorite coaching questions:

What story am I telling myself about what happened?

What else could be true about this situation?

Wishing you a Fourth of July weekend of calm barks (even at fireworks), clear thinking, and maybe even a new perspective on your “deer.”