Sorry, Not Sorry, Actually Sorry: The Art and Science of Apologizing in the Legal Profession

Let’s face it – saying “I’m sorry” isn’t always easy. 

But have you ever noticed how powerful those two little words can be? Apologizing isn’t just about etiquette; it can show a deep level of emotional intelligence and is essential for nurturing strong, healthy relationships. 

Especially in the legal world, where vulnerability is often mistaken for weakness, understanding the true value of an apology can change everything.

The Gender Dynamic in Apologizing

I often hear people say, "Women apologize too much." I completely understand where the sentiment is coming from, and I agree that sometimes I hear women (and some men, too) apologizing in situations that don’t warrant or require an apology. 

Yet I feel that telling people to “stop apologizing so much” actually misses the bigger picture. A heartfelt apology, regardless of gender, is a tool for healing and connection. Instead of focusing on apologizing too much, let’s shift our thinking to apologizing when it really counts.

Why Apologizing Matters

An apology goes beyond words; it’s about acknowledging the impact of your actions or words on someone else. It’s a way of showing empathy and validating the other person’s feelings. Research supports this – a sincere apology can lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and increase empathy between people . In the high-stakes environment of law, where tensions run high, a genuine apology can be a much-needed moment of human connection and shared humanity. It can mean the world to both the apology giver and the receiver. 

When to Apologize and When Not To

When to Apologize:

• Negative Impact: If your actions or words have hurt someone, even if unintentionally, an apology is necessary. For example, if you made a dismissive comment in a meeting or missed a deadline that affected your colleague’s work, those situations definitely call for an apology.
• Misunderstandings: When there’s a misunderstanding that leads to hurt feelings, acknowledging it and apologizing for your part in it can clear the air and prevent further conflict.

When Not to Apologize:

• Over-Apologizing: Apologizing for minor, uncontrollable factors (like accidentally bumping into someone when a simple “Excuse me” would do) or for simply existing or having legitimate needs (like “Sorry to bother you”) can diminish the value of your apologies and make you seem less confident. 
• Unnecessary Self-Blame: Apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong can undermine your self-esteem and value and give others a false sense of their own infallibility.

Emotional Intelligence Skills in Apologizing

Apologizing effectively taps into several key emotional intelligence skills:

• Self-Awareness: Recognizing when you’ve made a mistake and understanding its impact on others.
• Empathy: Genuinely feeling and expressing concern for the hurt or inconvenience caused.
• Self-Regulation: Managing your emotions to offer a calm, sincere apology without getting defensive while not seeing an apology as something that takes anything away from your own confidence, ability, or contribution.

The “Gold Standard Apology” Process

A well-crafted apology can boost the well-being of both the giver and the receiver. Here’s are the key components of a "Gold Standard Apology" (these can be taken in any order, but all pieces are important and ideally included):

• Acknowledge the Impact: Start by recognizing how your actions affected the other person. “I realize that my comment in the meeting was dismissive. I can see where that created frustration for you.”
• Intent vs. Impact: Clarify that your intent was not to harm, but acknowledge that the impact was negative. “My intention was not to undermine your work, but to help us create a better work product. I can see now that it didn’t come across that way.”
• Say “I’m sorry”: Say the words, point blank. “I’m sorry.” “I’m very sorry.” “I wish I could take it back.” Don’t skip this part even if you are tempted - it’s critical!
• Commit to Change: Explain how you will prevent similar situations in the future. “In the future, I’ll be more mindful of my words and ensure I communicate my respect for your contributions. If you don’t feel I’m doing that, please let me know. I want to do better.”

Apologizing in the Legal Profession

In a field where admitting fault can be seen as a weakness, I’ve seen apologies be truly transformative - which is why I just can’t agree with the “apologize less” advice. Appropriate and meaningful apologies create psychological safety, encouraging a work culture where mistakes are acknowledged and learned from, rather than hidden. This openness can lead to greater collaboration, innovation, and well-being.

For Leaders: Modeling the behavior you want to see is crucial. When leaders apologize for their mistakes, they set a powerful example, demonstrating that it’s okay to be human. This fosters a more trusting and respectful workplace. As the leader goes, so does the team. As Dr. Suess said in the book, “Bartholomew and the Oobleck“: “And the moment the King spoke those words, something happened...Maybe there was something magic in those simple words, ‘I’m sorry.’”

Practical Examples

• Missing a Deadline: “I apologize for missing the deadline on this project. I understand this caused delays for everyone involved. In the future, I’ll communicate better about my progress and any potential setbacks.”
• Unintentional Offense: “I apologize for my comment during the meeting. It was not my intent to offend, but I see now that it was hurtful. I’ll be more thoughtful in my words moving forward.”
• Being Late: “I’m sorry for being late to our meeting today. I know it disrupted your schedule, and I’ll make sure to leave earlier in the future to prevent this from happening again.”

An apology is a powerful tool in your emotional intelligence toolbox, and it’s crucial in building and maintaining strong relationships and creating a tight, healthy team and organization. In the legal profession, where the pressure to appear infallible is so high, embracing the art of apology can lead to a more supportive and innovative workplace and more productive, fulfilling relationships. 

And, of course, these skills are incredibly useful in your personal life, too. (To be honest, a heated conversation with my husband this morning is what got me thinking about this today. Don’t worry: we’ve since made amends using the apology process I shared above, and I told him that our exchange inspired this topic!) 

Remember, it’s not about apologizing less; it’s about apologizing when it matters most. 

By doing so, we not only mend relationships but also strengthen them, creating a more empathetic and connected professional environment and stronger, healthier relationships, personally and professionally.