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The Secret to Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable

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Let’s be real - lawyers are trained to argue.

We build cases, poke holes in opposing arguments, and advocate fiercely. But outside of the courtroom? How we disagree matters just as much as whether we’re “right.”

I was scrolling Instagram the other day and I saw this quote by Adam Grant:

“Thoughtful disagreement doesn’t start with ‘you’re wrong!’ It begins with ‘I’d love to understand your thinking better.’ Attaching conclusions closes minds. Asking about reasoning opens them. Good debates don’t have winners or losers. They leave everyone more informed.”

Disagreeing well is a superpower, whether you’re working with colleagues, negotiating with opposing counsel, advising clients, or navigating personal relationships (especially in today’s divided world). And the key to doing it well? Emotional intelligence (EQ).

What Emotional Intelligence Has to Do With Disagreeing Well

Most of us have been in a debate that left everyone frustrated and entrenched rather than curious and open-minded. That’s where emotional intelligence (EQ) comes in.

At its core, EQ helps us disagree in a way that builds relationships rather than burns bridges. Here’s how:

Self-awareness – Recognizing when you’re getting defensive or emotionally charged.
Self-regulation – Pausing before you react so the conversation stays productive.
Empathy – Seeing where the other person is coming from (even if you still disagree).
Social skills – Keeping the conversation open instead of shutting it down.

Now, let’s get practical. Here’s how to put this into action when things start to heat up.

How to Disagree Productively (Without Making It Personal)

1. Start with Curiosity, Not Combat

Instead of: “That makes no sense.”
Try: “Interesting—I’d love to understand how you got there.”

Why? Because curiosity opens doors. Judgment slams them shut. People get defensive when they feel attacked, and the moment that happens, the conversation is over.

2. Separate the Idea from the Person

We’ve all been in debates where someone takes disagreement personally - or maybe we’ve been that person. But being wrong about something doesn’t mean they’re a bad person (or that we are).

Try this: Instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” reframe with, “I see this differently. Can I share why?”

3. Find Common Ground Before Diving Into Differences

Even in the most intense disagreements, there’s usually something to agree on. Maybe you and opposing counsel both want to settle efficiently. Maybe you and a colleague both care about firm culture but have different ideas on how to improve it.

Finding that one point of agreement makes it easier to navigate the differences.

Example: “I think we both want what’s best for the client—let’s figure out the best way to get there.”

4. Stay Cool When Things Get Heated

We all have hot-button issues, topics that immediately trigger frustration. When you feel your pulse quicken or your voice tighten, it’s time to pause.

Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique:

Inhale for 4 seconds
Hold for 7 seconds
Exhale for 8 seconds

It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping you stay calm and composed. It’s a tiny reset that keeps emotion from hijacking logic.

5. Ask, Don’t Assume

Assumptions fuel conflict. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask clarifying questions.

Example: Instead of saying, “So you’re saying we should just ignore the risks?”
Try: “Are you concerned that the risks outweigh the benefits?”

It invites dialogue instead of putting someone on the defensive.

Putting It Into Practice

With Clients: When emotions run high, validating concerns before offering advice builds trust.

With Colleagues: Office debates are normal, but they don’t have to be battles. Approach them as a collaborative problem-solving effort.

At Home: If you’ve ever had a family argument about politics, you know that how you say something matters as much as what you say. Thoughtful disagreement can turn tense moments into deeper understanding.

Final Thought: The Best Lawyers Are Open-Minded Thinkers

Being persuasive isn’t about winning every argument; it’s about knowing how to keep people engaged in the conversation.

So next time you’re about to say, “You’re wrong,” pause. Try: “I’d love to understand your thinking better.”

That simple shift might just change the entire conversation.

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

Disagreeing well is a skill, one that makes us better lawyers, legal professionals, colleagues, and humans. And like any skill, it gets stronger with practice.

So, the next time you find yourself in a debate, whether it’s in a negotiation, a team meeting, or over dinner with friends, try leading with curiosity instead of conclusions. You might be surprised at how much more productive - and even enjoyable - the conversation becomes.

Recommended Resources

[Article] Why We Should Be Disagreeing More at Work | Harvard Business Review | by Amy Gallo

[Video] What You Can Learn from People Who Disagree With You | Shreya Joshi | TED

[Video] Julia Dhar: How to disagree productively and find common ground | TED Talk

[Book] Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High | Joseph Grenny and Kerry Peterson