Not everything is a it seems: Lessons in empathy from a frozen plant

A couple of weeks ago, we had our first hard freeze of the season. As I glanced out at the backyard deck that morning, my plants seemed fine. From the kitchen window, they looked just as vibrant and lively as ever. But when I stepped outside and touched them, I realized they were frozen solid. What looked perfectly okay from afar was, in reality, a façade. Beneath the surface, they weren’t okay at all.

This experience stayed with me because it’s a powerful reminder of something we often see—but sometimes overlook—in our professional lives. In the legal profession, we work with brilliant, resilient people who often maintain a polished exterior no matter what they’re going through. But just because someone looks fine doesn’t mean they are.

We all know this truth deep down, but it can be easy to forget in the rush of deadlines, client demands, and meetings. Without slowing down to really notice and connect with others, we might miss subtle signs that someone is struggling.

When I teach my “Culture of Caring” program, we talk about this exact phenomenon: how to recognize when someone isn’t okay and what to do about it. Because in a field where vulnerability can feel like weakness, it’s critical to create an environment where people feel safe enough to ask for help or share their struggles.

(And this isn’t just about noticing others - it’s about noticing ourselves, too. Don’t be like the frozen plant, looking shiny and perfect on the outside while struggling on the inside. Find a trusted resource like a mentor, a colleague, a coach, or even a therapist, and allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes courage, but asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.)

Noticing the Frost: Knowing When Something’s “Off”

Just like my plants, people sometimes show tiny signs that something isn’t quite right, signs we’ll miss if we’re not paying close attention. For my plants, it was that slight shimmer of frost and their extra perkiness so early in the morning, a sign they were reacting to the cold. With people, it might be:

• A change in tone, demeanor, or energy level.
• Someone who’s usually chatty becoming unusually quiet.
• Small mistakes from someone who’s usually meticulous.
• A colleague pulling away from team activities or seeming distracted.
• Persistent signs of stress—like forgetfulness, irritability, or fatigue.

The key is knowing your people well enough to spot what’s “off.” This means building relationships where you can recognize their baseline behavior, so you’re more likely to notice when something shifts.

The Courage to Check In

Noticing is only the first step. The next - and often harder - step is to ask. In a profession where strength and independence are prized, it can feel intrusive to check in. But a well-timed question can make all the difference.

Here are a few tips for asking if someone is okay:

1. Start with curiosity, not judgment. “You seem a little quieter than usual today—everything okay?”
2. Be specific about what you’ve noticed. “I noticed you’ve been staying really late recently. How’s everything going?”
3. Show care, not pity. Avoid making assumptions or sounding condescending. Instead, come from a place of genuine concern.
4. Listen without rushing to fix. Sometimes, just being heard is what someone needs most.

Building Psychological Safety

If we want our people to feel comfortable coming to us when they’re struggling, we need to create psychological safety. Psychological safety is the belief that you can express your thoughts, feelings, or concerns without fear of judgment, retaliation, or humiliation. It’s foundational to a “Culture of Caring”.

Here’s how you can build it:

• Model vulnerability. Share your own challenges (appropriately) to show it’s okay to not have it all together.
• Be approachable. Let people know you’re available to listen—without agenda or judgment.
• Follow up. If someone opens up to you, check back in later. It shows you care and builds trust.
• Foster a team culture. Encourage colleagues to support one another and celebrate small wins together.

The Takeaway

Just like my frozen plants, things aren’t always what they seem. And just as I noticed something “off” about them before taking a closer look, we need to be attuned to ourselves and the people around us. When we build connections, notice small changes, and create safe spaces for honest conversations, we can help prevent struggles from becoming crises.

So, this week, take a moment to really look at the people around you. Ask how they’re doing - and mean it. It might just be the warmth they need to thaw their frost.

(And if you’re struggling, don’t hide beneath a shiny, frosty exterior. Reach out—vulnerability is the first step to breaking through the ice and finding support.)

Let’s build a legal culture where thriving is the norm, not the exception!

Quick afterthought: I could have kept my plants covered since frost was advised, but that’s a whole different article on preventing challenges and issues before they arise. Ideally, we are taking care of ourselves and others so no one has to suffer through a “freeze”. Building a “Culture of Caring” is about both prevention and restoration. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, as the old saying goes.