From Deflection to Connection: Rethinking Praise

This past Sunday, September 21, was World Gratitude Day - a beautiful reminder each year to pause and reflect on the power of appreciation. It is a day meant to highlight how expressing gratitude and receiving it with openness can ripple outward to strengthen relationships and communities.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect …

A couple of weeks ago, I had the joy of leading a program for a group of amazing new law firm associates on one of my favorite topics - imposter syndrome - something I’ve battled for a long time so I speak from the heart. As I presented to this bright, engaged group of new attorneys, one theme really stood out: how remarkably difficult it can be to receive recognition.

One associate asked: “But if I just accept the compliment or praise, won’t I sound uppity? Braggy? Full of myself?” 

Even when we have invested the hours, shouldered the effort, and produced something of value, many of us instinctively brush off kind words. We demur with “oh, it was nothing,” insist “anyone could have done it,” or attribute the result to luck. Deflecting feels easier, even safer, than standing in the truth of our accomplishments.

Yet in doing so, we deny ourselves an opportunity to internalize the acknowledgment - and we also take something away from the giver.

That realization hit home to me in an unexpected metaphoric way last weekend. I belong to a flower CSA (Community Supported Agriculture), which means that each week I pick up a freshly cut bouquet of locally grown flowers at my favorite restaurant - a delight to be sure! I happened to be there for brunch Saturday morning with a dear friend, and I had been quietly plotting to surprise her with my bouquet as we left. I could hardly wait for her delight!

But when I offered them, she quickly and emphatically declined. “No, you really need them. You should enjoy them yourself!”

It was thoughtful, even protective. I tried repeatedly to insist that she take them - that I really wanted her to have them, but she was committed to me taking the flowers home.

She is the loveliest person and was truly trying to be generous and thoughtful - I know that 100%. Yet I felt a pang of disappointment. I had been so eager for her to receive and enjoy those beautiful flowers - and nothing I could say would convince her to do it. 

That small moment crystallized for me what happens when we dismiss a compliment. When someone offers us recognition, it is not only about us. It is also about the compliment or praise giver:

• They took the time to notice our work or contribution. 

• They wanted to honor our effort and extend us a compliment so they felt our appreciation.

• They may even be practicing the vulnerable work of giving positive feedback or making a connection.

When we deflect, we interrupt that exchange. The words hang in the air, unclaimed, like those flowers I ultimately took home, but I really intended for my friend to enjoy.

This is where emotional intelligence becomes essential.

• Self-awareness allows us to notice our reflex to minimize ourselves and our efforts.

• Empathy reminds us that receiving a compliment is not an act of vanity but of respect for the person who offered it (and respect for ourselves and what we accomplished).

• Leadership shows up when we accept recognition with grace, setting the tone for those around us and cultivating cultures where appreciation is received rather than diminished.

So perhaps the challenge is this: the next time someone offers you a compliment, resist the urge to push it away. Pause. Let the words land. Look them in the eye, and simply say, “Thank you.” If you want to take it to the next level, you can add something like, “I’m very proud of the outcome” or “I/we worked hard on this project, and we’re thrilled the client was pleased.”

(Always, always give credit where credit is due - this isn’t about hogging recognition, but about owning the part you played and also sharing the joy of a job well done when appropriate by including others, such as “Thank you! Sarah and I each brought different skills to this project, and we’re happy it turned out so well.”)

With World Gratitude Day barely in the rearview mirror, remember that gratitude is a two-way street. Sometimes it looks like offering thanks, and sometimes it looks like graciously receiving it. 

The most profound expression of confidence is often not in what we do or produce, but in our ability to receive positive feedback without adding an asterisk or caveat—just savoring it. 

By doing that, we strengthen relationships, nurture connection, and remind ourselves that we are indeed worthy of the recognition given.

You’re doing great! ♥️

Recommended Resources

[Article] The Crucial Link Between Appreciation and Emotional Intelligence | Stuart Cheesman | Training Journal

[Article] Emotional Intelligence and Gratitude | Linda Roszak Burton | Wharton Alumni Club, University of Pennsylvania

[Article] How to Accept Compliments | Myron Nelson LCPC | Psychology Today

[Video] Four words to take a compliment | Cynthia Barnes | TEDxShawUniversity